Life is a very odd, weird thing. You spend your days learning, working, studying, doing everything you can so that you can get away from doing just that. We dream about travelling to different places, experiencing new things, things that are completely different from what we are doing right now. We are always waiting for the weekend, for the next outing, for that 5pm glass of wine (if you like that kind of thing.) We do things we hate, like sitting in traffic, waking up way too early, going to that extra gym class, and skipping dessert - all for what
I put off writing pieces for this blog, because I am far too exhausted after university, work, social life, exercise (which is lacking at the moment) and errands to even think about doing what I actually love doing. Instead, I spend the spare time I have watching Netflix, which quickly turns into napping. And when did I become an afternoon nap person? Which is slowly turning into an afternoon three hour sleep? Am I 80 years old? Well I do have joint pain, I’m always tired, and I find myself going to bed earlier and earlier each and everyday. Ah the joys of being 19. What an absolute hoot! Youth is bold.
Sometimes I sit and wonder - what is the point? Like seriously, unless you are going to cure cancer or climate change, what are we doing here? Just living each day like we did the last? Spending most of our time doing things we would choose not to do, if we had the choice? Wishing life was one big holiday then complaining about how bored we are when we have one? And then regretting spending it ‘relaxing’ instead of going out and grabbing life with two hands? Surely I can’t be alone in thinking this. I dream of one day moving to New York, of becoming a big time editor, of taking leisurely strolls around Central Park, coffee and bagel in hand. But when the hell is that actually going to happen?
Step 1, finish your undergrad degree, and work it out from there! But what is ‘from there’? I can’t think of anything worse than finishing, and being stuck doing a job that has served me very well and that I am very thankful for, but is no where near my dream, nor what I want to be doing with my life every day - simply for the point of ‘saving up’ for my dream life. Why are we always having to save up, to wait for the moment we can actually do what we really want to do?
Because we are scared. Too scared to just hop on the next flight, and hope for the best. Too scared about the lack of financial security, of social acceptance, of leaving the safety of our day to day mediocre existences. God, the amount of times I have daydreamed about some editor of a magazine stumbling across this website and finding some amusement in my teenage angst, flicking me an email saying “Hey kid, you’re not half bad.” Because how else am I ever truly going to know if my dream, to be a writer, is going to turn into a reality? There is only so much you can believe in yourself before you need the approval of others to actually succeed in this industry, in this life. And that is just the sad reality. I know I don’t deserve to live out my dream more than anyone else does - it simply comes down to how much and how hard you smash out the menial stuff before your dream starts becoming the new menial.
If you can’t already tell, each day I have this miniature freak out. A pre-quarter life crisis is occurring. Nobody panic. Or do.