I feel like people forget that coffee is actually a drug. Everyday, millions, even billions of people wake up in the morning, yearning for that first cup of coffee. Coffee used to be something that people drunk just to give them that quick fix, a kick start, because coffee is the quickest and easiest way to get a daily caffeine boost. It came in freeze dried instant form, and tasted absolutely disgusting, but you got through it, in the hope that it would get you through your day.
In recent times, coffee has turned into something else. Gone are the days of your coffee at home with vegemite toast and the morning paper. There has been article after article about it already, trust me I know. About the hipster takeover of coffee, about how every second cup is deconstructed, about the eight different milks that every cafe must have; and with that, about the sudden ‘trend’ to be allergic to milk. Honestly. It is now considered cool to be allergic to lactose. Welcome to 2017. I’ll have a coconut milk long mac but only three quarters topped up and with 1 stevia, actually I’ll also have that extra hot, and can you skip the foam. Oh and hun, make sure that’s decaf. You’re a gem!
Seriously. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve drank nearly every variation of coffee there is. I’ve gone through the soy cappuccino with two sugars stage, the ice coffee stage, the ice latte stage, the long mac stage, the short mac stage, the double cappuccino stage, the classic full cream flat white stage, and now I’ve finally settled for long blacks. Sometimes iced. Sometimes with a dash of cold milk. But thats beyond the point. I work at an espresso shop, and I have worked there for nearly five years. Basically, I was a coffee infant, and now I’m a coffee geriatric. It comes with the job.
This is not an article hating on coffee, coming from your average journalist, because trust me, I LOVE coffee, and I basically live, wear and breathe coffee, sometimes traces are even found in my hair. It’s a great pal you might say. It’s been with me through good times and stuck with me through bad times. It also funds my life. But now I’m starting to get a little annoyed at the IDEA of coffee. Not the actual coffee itself. Recently, I’ve been training to be a kind-of barista, because I don’t consider myself an actual barista and won’t until I can make the perfect tulip pattern in a flat white. Slowly, but surely. Anyhow, I can officially say, especially after dealing with hundreds, probably thousands of coffee orders over this past summer, that I truly believe people are just trying to test every barista and waitress with their pretentious coffee orders. Surely half of them are a joke. I’m almost convinced that there is a hidden camera on me sometimes just waiting for my reaction when someone orders an extra hot long macchiato with lactose free milk but weak and decaf. Sorry, but that is not coffee. You just ordered some ground up fake beans and fake milk and hot water in a cup. Basically the same as drinking rain runoff. And you paid $4.80 for it. I almost feel sorry for you. I’m literally tempted to suggest drinking lukewarm tap water instead because it’ll have the same effect and practically the same taste.
Like I said, people have almost completely forgotten that coffee (well caffeine) is a drug. That is it’s purpose. To stimulate you. Get you moving and grooving. I, along with every other cafe worker, am basically a legal drug dealer. However, I think the cafe industry has to cop some of the blame for this boycott of coffee that has been happening of late. We encourage these wacky, stupid, fake coffee orders. Matcha latte? No sorry beetroot latte. Because who doesn’t love a root vegetable blended up in a cup with hot milk. The coffee effect. It’s actually stressing me out more than it is calming me down. Coffee actually calms me, because it gets me up to speed. But I no longer have faith in the coffee drinkers of Australia.
Except for the rare flat white devotees. My hearts go out to you.